Not Worth It

I remember one Christmas, when I was an early teen. We generally had Christmas morning at home, then lunch at Grandma's. As a kid, Grandma's was the mother lode. Full outfits from Gayfer's department store, a couple of toys, maybe a book or 2.

I sat and watched as my siblings opened present after present from under the tree. I received one, an embroidered western shirt, several sizes too small.

I had put a lot of thought into my gift for my grandmother.
I mowed her lawn every weekend. She would putter in the yard as I mowed, pulling clover and weeds.
I had gone to several stores, purchasing hand gardening tools, gloves, and a little mat for her knees.
I thought she would like that.

She got an ugly, embroidered cowboy shirt for me, which was too small for my younger brother.

You get what you deserve.

I have spent most of my adult life feeling like I didn't deserve love, friendship, or compassion.
I certainly haven't done much to foster those feelings in others.
To put it bluntly, I am a selfish jerk.

Offhand, I think of myself as a pretty giving person. I think I am willing to sacrifice for others.

And this is true... for strangers.

I would think nothing of taking a bullet for somebody else. I wouldn't hesitate to run into a burning building to rescue someone I had never met. I helped 2 different people I had just met move, my first week in my new town.

If you are someone that wants to get close to me, though...

It is all about my comfort. It is all about my convenience. How will this impact me?

I am suspicious of motive when someone expresses a desire to be part of my life. There are times I don't want to be part of my life; why would they? The times I have let people into my life haven't just ended badly, they were disasters.

May died. Cheryl cleaned me out. Les cheated on me and took my house.

The relationships I was only a part time participant in ended somewhat painlessly... for me. I don't know how they ended for the other half. I was too selfish to find out.

I sabotage new friendships so that when they end, I will still be OK.

You cannot miss what you never had.

So why do I feel like I do?