Martyr

I am not omnipotent.
But I expect myself to be, and I get angry when I am not.

I have been out of work for a month.
Every day, I check the news.
Did something happen?
Did it go badly?
Would it have, if I had been there?

I take responsibility for things I have no influence over.

Several months ago, 2 good men were injured on the job. These men work in a different division than I do, in a completely different geographical area.

In my twisted mind, I felt guilty.
Guilty that I hadn't been there.
Guilty that I hadn't prevented it.
Guilty that I hadn't been hurt, instead.

I don't even know these 2 men that well.
There was no logical reason why I would have been there.
Didn't stop my emotional reaction.

I know where it comes from. It is a habit I have developed over the years.
My guilt over May needed watering every now and then, so I would take responsibility for some other tragedy to nurture it.

Over time, it has become a reflex.

Train derailment? My fault. I should have been driving the train.
Building collapse? My fault. I should have been there assisting in rescue operations.
A young soldier dies in battle? Yes. My fault. I am too old and broken to be in his place.

I don't want this burden, anymore.
I try to reassure myself that there are some things that are out of my control.
As long as I actively remind myself of this, I am OK.
The second I stop, it comes creeping back in.

I don't want it.

Assumptions

I think I am a screw up.
At least, this is the assumption I have.
I assume that I have screwed something up, offended someone, made a mess of things.

I don't know why I do this, but it permeates every facet of my life.
At work, if I am called in to see the boss, I assume I am about to get an ass chewing.
I have never gotten one.
The closest I came was an unsubstantiated complaint, and it was laughed off by my higher-ups.
Every time I have been called before my superiors, it has been a positive thing. An award, a letter of recognition, an accolade.

But I always assume I am about to be reprimanded or worse.

In my personal life, I assume that I have wronged those I care about. We can part with pleasantries and a hug. If I do not hear from them in some unspecified period of time, I assume that I have offended them.
I replay everything in my head, trying to determine what it was that I said that made them angry.

Usually, they are just busy, caught up in their own lives. It didn't occur to them to call because there was no new piece of information to give me.

But that doesn't stop me from assuming the worst.

It is difficult for me to understand that I am an anomoly. Most people do not interact with other people the way I do. Everybody, deep down inside, thinks they are "normal".

So many people that have drifted in and out of my life were disposable and temporary.
My natural thought is that I am disposable and temporary in the lives of others.

I don't mind that, 99% of the time.
It is when I care about a person that it becomes difficult.
Not because I am disposable and temporary, but because I assume I am.
And I don't want to be.