Martyr

I am not omnipotent.
But I expect myself to be, and I get angry when I am not.

I have been out of work for a month.
Every day, I check the news.
Did something happen?
Did it go badly?
Would it have, if I had been there?

I take responsibility for things I have no influence over.

Several months ago, 2 good men were injured on the job. These men work in a different division than I do, in a completely different geographical area.

In my twisted mind, I felt guilty.
Guilty that I hadn't been there.
Guilty that I hadn't prevented it.
Guilty that I hadn't been hurt, instead.

I don't even know these 2 men that well.
There was no logical reason why I would have been there.
Didn't stop my emotional reaction.

I know where it comes from. It is a habit I have developed over the years.
My guilt over May needed watering every now and then, so I would take responsibility for some other tragedy to nurture it.

Over time, it has become a reflex.

Train derailment? My fault. I should have been driving the train.
Building collapse? My fault. I should have been there assisting in rescue operations.
A young soldier dies in battle? Yes. My fault. I am too old and broken to be in his place.

I don't want this burden, anymore.
I try to reassure myself that there are some things that are out of my control.
As long as I actively remind myself of this, I am OK.
The second I stop, it comes creeping back in.

I don't want it.