Resolve

I am discovering some things about myself.
Some of the baggage I carry around with me, I don't need.
I don't need the guilt that has burdened me for half of my life.
I am free of it.

I can speak her name without tears.
I can tell the story of what happened without shame.
I can look back and be thankful for knowing her... for loving her.

And I am a better man for it.

Other baggage, I am more inclined to hold.
My distrust.
My prejudices.
My jaundiced view of other people.

These things serve me well in my chosen profession.

And I am finding that I need them.

Yes, they take me to a dark place that I am not unfamiliar with.
But it is somewhere that I need to be.
I need my anger. I need my angst.
They keep me on edge.
They keep me sharp.

I spend much of my life working without a net.
This baggage keeps me from being complacent.
Not careless.

Before I began examining how I came to be the way I am...
I did a lot of things that others viewed as heroic.
Some of them, had luck not been on my side, would have turned out very differently.

Looking back, I see that I took many of those chances because I did not consider my own life as valuable as another. If I took the fall, it would validate what I considered to be a less than worthy life.
I felt it would be better to die a hero than to live a cretin.

I don't look at it that way anymore. I care if I make it home, now.
The things I do, I do because I honestly believe that I can do them better than just about anyone else.
I can succeed where others would not.
Arrogant? Maybe.
Prideful? Yes.

I am proud of what I do. I am proud of what I can do.

I know what I am. I know what I was built for.
I am a soldier. I am a guardian. I am a warrior.
It is not my role to stoically endure evil.
It is my purpose to close with it, do battle, and defeat it.
Because others cannot, or will not.

I keep my darkness so that others don't have to.

For the first time, I own it.
It doesn't own me.