Autopilot

After Shawn, I thought I had discovered the wheel.

I had discovered a way to have relationships that were an accessory, but not an important component, to my life.

I dated a lot.

None of them even dented my hard candy shell.

The moment I grew even a little tired of them, I just stopped calling.

They didn't seem to mind.

It was perfect.

It was like having a bowl of peanuts on the table. If I wanted some, I took them. If not, I ignored them... until I wanted some.

A girl named Ellen summed it up, saying that I was "a mile wide and an inch deep". I was a lot of fun to be around, and I looked like a friendly, outgoing guy... but there was nothing past the surface.

Not for them.

There was a lot going on under the surface, but all I let anybody see was the swan, effortlessly gliding across the lake.

There were women I had entire relationships with that had never been to my home. Never met my friends. Didn't know anything about me.

It was empty. It was lonely.

But if they left, I wouldn't care.

And that was what was most important.