Past Imperfect Perfection

This is the first time that I have actually sat down and given a lot of these things real thought.

I was so focused on just getting through to tomorrow that I never looked back and gave any real thought to yesterday. I have been working off instinct for so long, I never gave myself the luxury of retrospection. I just moved forward, collecting grudges and getting angrier.

Everybody that reaches my age has one or two old flames stuck back in the closet. "The one that got away" is a cliche for a reason.

As I sit and think back on the various relationships and romantic entanglements I have had over the years, I am discovering something.

I remember most vividly why they are "ex" girlfriends. There was a series of events that led to the demise of those relationships. In time, you can look back and begrudgingly admit that there were some positive things about them, but, for the most part, you remember your exes for their faults.

At least, I am finding this to be true in my case.

With one glaring exception.

May.

I can close my eyes and remember every pore on her face. I can remember exactly how I held my arm to perfectly support her as she leaned against me.

She has ceased to be a real human being to me. She has transformed into a flawless angel on earth, through the lens of my memory.

But the more I sit and ponder this, the more things I actually remember.

She smoked.

I had completely forgotten that she smoked. Not a lot. Occasional smoker, generally when there were adult beverages being consumed.

Angels don't smoke. Human beings with flaws and imperfections smoke.

I remember vividly that Cheryl smoked clove cigarettes when she had a few cocktails. Why did I not remember May doing it?

Closure.

Usually, there is a series of tragedies that lead to the end of a relationship. People drift apart, they yell at each other, they say things that cannot be unsaid. By the time it is over, one or both parties are relieved that it has finally ended.

They have closure.

I never got that. We didn't have a chance to drift apart. We didn't have a chance to say terrible things to each other.

It was just....

BANG!

You're on your own, Kid.

Maybe what I am finally looking for is closure.

I have long since stopped seeing her in my dreams on a regular basis. I think that, next time, she and I will have a long talk about letting go.