Awake

I am an insomniac.

When I am in times of turmoil, I cannot sleep.

When things are normal, I sleep pretty well.

But if there is something on my mind, I just cannot find a moment's rest.

It was at it's worst just after my divorce. I would routinely stay awake for 3 days, sleep for an hour or 2, then be awake for another 3 days.

I had a lot on my plate. I had been divorced, laid off, and relocated to a new city, all in the space of a week.

I wanted to sleep. God, did I want to sleep. I just couldn't.

One of my brothers hibernates when he is depressed or facing some great problem. I envy him. He gets a respite from the thoughts crashing around in his head. He just sleeps until the problem goes away or resolves itself.

I get no such break. I am consumed by my thoughts.

I am not sleeping very well right now. I have purposely opened up all of the steamer trunks I have been hauling around, trying to sort through the baggage. I want to see what I need, and what can be discarded.

And that takes thought.

Which takes away my sleep.

My hope is that by separating the wheat from the chaff, my sleepless nights will be spent solving whatever problems are facing me in the here and now, not rehashing past failures.

I am hoping that I can see my past for what it is, not for what I have percieved it to be.