A Ray of Light

Alone.
Despondent.
Unloved.

The hurt and anger I felt toward Cheryl was a welcome respite from the rage I had for myself.

Looking back, I think it was easier to blame myself, punish myself, hate myself, than it was to address what I was really feeling. Profound loss, with flashes of anger at May for leaving.

It was not until very recently that I discovered how angry I was at her. More on that later.

By then, I was living in a 100.00 a month basement apartment, working 2 jobs, paying down the debt run up by Cheryl. I was living on ramen noodles, tuna fish, and 1.00 toaster oven pizzas.

I was riding a bike, because I couldn't afford a car. Every dime I made, I put toward paying off my creditors... and alcohol.

One day, I saw an ad for kittens.

I borrowed a car and went to look at the kittens. They were all big, muscular cats, some black, some white, some mixed. They were in a big lump in a cardboard box.

In the corner of the box, I saw myself. Scared, small, unsure.

He had 7 toes, big bat ears, and a pointy nose. He was the runt of the litter, a mutant freak that nobody would want.

Just like me.

I took him home with me. He never grew above 9 pounds, but he was a giant in my eyes.

I could love him without reservation. He would never reject me, steal from me, or break my heart.

He didn't judge me, didn't blame me, and wanted to be close to me when I was at my worst.

He kept me going, when I did not want to continue.

I honestly believe that, if not for him, I might not be writing this today.
The burden was that heavy, and he lightened it.